10, 11… 11 days since that day. It still hurts. The pain is still the same though I’ve been crying less. There are times I want to cry but not even a tear is falling. I wanted to just get mad at you, hate you but I can’t. No hate. No regrets.
The other day was the 28. I guess I kind of expect that you will send a message like nothing happened again, but I guess this one’s for real. No text. No message. Not seen you yesterday. Weird me for I thought there is something with the number 28. It happened twice. Both day that you started talking to me after days of ignoring me was on the 28th of the months December and January.
I dated myself yesterday with the hopes of being able to escape even for awhile from the thoughts of you. However, it is the opposite that happened. The movie I watched reminded me of you. So you. That line by one of the main character is so on point:
I wanted to tell everyone about you ~ Alex #BakaBukas
I wanted to tell everyone about you but you rather not. When you found out that one of your colleagues knows our petty issues, you got pissed at me. You said why tell those things, I don’t know what they would think. BUT it’s normal for me to tell stuff to people, to ask anything. I am overthinking again, last time I think you like that co-worker of yours. Maybe you do, maybe you don’t.
1 whole week passed since that day… I did not opened the conversation in both Facebook messsenger and text. I added you in a list on Facebook where you will not see me online. I unfollowed you on the same social media network.
It still hurts and tears are forming in my eyes as I write this down.
There was no US. I don’t know what you feel. I probably assumed. I really am confused. I am out of focus most of the time. I don’t understand completely.
You were so kind. Extra kind. You cared about me. You reminded me to know my worth and love myself and for that I can’t thank you enough. I appreciated all your kind gestures.
I am not confused of my preferences because it is only you that I want. I want you but I can’t have you.
I want this to stop. I want to unfriend you and delete your number in my phone, which includes all conversation we had in any platform being erased. This is the only way I know I can forget the feelings I have for you. BUT I CAN’T. I even want to tell you that and ask for the ultimate space, like if we’re in the same room, we are not and we don’t see each other.
Only a couple of my friends know about this, one even throw a question at me: Do you like her or her company? I said can it be both?
At that moment I thought I was just overwhelmed by you, your attention for it has been so long since I experienced that. A person to talk to at the end of a long day. A person who cares if you get enough sleep. A person who tells you to go home right away after school because 10pm is already late. A person who will ask you to sleep but will keep asking if you’re still awake and if your eyes are still open. A person who knows how busy you are but will fit their presence in there. A person you will wait to arrive home from work after hours of overtime. A person who will send a message in the middle of the night just because she was awaken but will go back to sleep.
Despite having friends whom I can talk about this feeling, about you, I still long for someone who will truly understand. The “bestfriend” have no idea whatsoever. I don’t know where to start to tell him because I probably assumed in the first place about this. And for sure, he’ll laugh at me.
I don’t know. I don’t know. What I do know is I MISS YOU. I miss you so bad.
It is my desire to end this a few days before you did for I pity myself. I cry for petty jokes when you try to piss me. I lost my focus when you’re mad. It’s literally complicated. I just want to think that maybe it is not meant but I always recall that our paths crossed twice before on a similar-related occasions and the now.
Were you an angel sent from above to accompany me or to remind of things I know but sets aside?